Joanne Stewart

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Oranges & Lemons

What makes a lovely girl more lovely?

What makes her more curvy as well?

Oranges and lemons, says JOANNE STEWART.

Joanne is a housewife who is also a dolly-bird of exceptional impact, this being due as much to her figure of 37-23-37 as her honey-gold hair.

What you do, she says, is this. You take one orange, peel it, dissect it, and eat it with a thin slice of dry toast. That's for breakfast, and you can have a weak cup of China tea as well, but no milk.

For lunch you have another orange, only with nuts. If you want to go mad you can finish off with a small glass of a tomato juice.

For dinner you can have two oranges, and if you must have something hot to go with them try half a haddock. For afters you can have two dates but no custard.

But the lemons, Joanne, you haven't mentioned them. Don't you have a lemon or two in between?

A lemon, says Joanne, is someone who believes all this. Honestly, some housewives with this sense of humour can't half make you feel a fool.

Joanne Martin

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Looking a Treat

There might be a tendency these days for many women to favour trouser suits around the house, and if there is then there's a definite tendency among many men to think rude things about trouser suit designers.

Trousers for women shouldn't go beyond peekaboo pants worn by those Eastern beauties who adorn sultans' palaces.

Thank goodness housewife JOANNE MARTIN still believes women look their most feminine in exquisite lingerie. Joanne herself looks a treat in black underwear. How lovely to come home to hot soup, treacle pudding and Joanne.

"Not, I hope, in that order," said Joanne.

No, of course not.

Joanne Martin

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How To Be Vitally Interesting

It's fun being married. JOANNE MARTIN says you needn't take too much notice of those odd people who tell you it's kaput, she says they don't know what it's all about, they're too busy going in and out of foggy hallucinations.

To be vitally interesting to your husband, says Joanne, you need first of all to look lovely to come home to, so that when he comes into the kitchen to see what's cooking he can't help thinking he'd like to eat you yourself.

Joanne, with her long, honey-blonde hair and her undeniable curves, is indeed a dish. She makes marriage lots and lots of fun, and sometimes in the evenings the television isn't an absolute social necessity at all.

Remember, says Joanne, that when hubby says, "Let's switch this rubbish off and play poker," you've proved you know how to be vitally interesting.

Then what?

"Then you need good cards, "says Joanne, "or you're in for a yell of a time "