Carlene Thomson

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There's Always Tomorrow

The ambition of CARLENE THOMSON is to win the football pools and travel around in her own private plane.

Carlene knows it might not happen today.

But there's always tomorrow or the day after.

In the meantime, Carlene works away as a secretary and models in her spare time. This doesn't help her to build up a bank account because she's so mad about clothes she spends all she earns on them. But it does help her to look lovely on weekdays and absolutely smashing at weekends.

Spick No 211 - June 1971

Mandy Wright

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Handy Mandy

Not only is she a gorgeous dolly bird, but also a beautifully handy girl to have around in all kinds of circumstances. MANDY WRIGHT, in fact, can row your boat when the engine breaks down and change your car tyre when you get a flat.

She can a knock up a stunning meal from bread, cheese, and eggs when you've run out of everything else and work out a string of fascinating alibis for you when you forget your girlfriend’s birthday.

In addition, she lights up the skyline on the darkest night or illuminates the house during a power cut. That is, she's a cracker to look at any time. She lives in London.

London is all lit up.

Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973

Catherine Brydon

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Toboggan Run

With all that snow lying around on the slopes of the Highlands, Scottish housewife CATHERINE BRYDON didn't want to waste any of it. Feeling a bit exhilarated on account of having bought some fur-lined bargains at the winter sales, Catherine found her toboggan and took it for a run.

She looked lovely amid all that snow.

She went whooshing down the slopes and skidding round the curves. She fell off once or twice, much to the aesthetic satisfaction of a fellow tobogganist who was waiting to pick her up. He was a connoisseur of shapely limbs, and he hadn't seen any as aesthetically admirable as Catherine's since last winter, when his girlfriend fell headfirst into a snow drift.

"Don't miss anything, will you?" said Catherine.

"Not if can help it," said he.

Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973

Trudi Jackson

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Anyone Seen My Tights

Secretary TRUDI JACKSON was at home and looking for her tights.

"Anyone seen them?" she said.

Yes, said the bloke from next door as he looked in at the window, you're wearing them.

"Oh," blushed Trudi, "I forgot."

Her tights certainly looked nice and the bloke from next door thought her knicks did too, and he wouldn't go away until Trudi opened the window and poked him in both eyes with a pot plant.

Spick No 246 - May 1974

Jennifer Taylor

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Looking For a Lamb

Anticipating the early arrival of spring, JENNIFER APRIL ANN TAYLOR went looking for a lamb.

The farmer's creaking old shepherd went looking for his rum flask. He was once a sailor, but he still left things lying about.

Jennifer didn't find any lambs; it was a bit too early.

The old shepherd didn't find his rum flask, either, but he found Jennifer. They came face to face in a misty meadow.

"Great cucumbers,'" said the old shepherd, "who needs rum, me beauty?"

“Good grief," said Jennifer, breaking into a fast trot, "who needs help? I do."

But as she leapt the gate the old shepherd lurched into it, and she was saved by the bong. He didn't come to until Jennifer was safely home and eating shepherd's pie.

Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973

Gaby Blaesing

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Some Fashion

West Berlin fashion model GABY BLAESING had an assignment in the country outside the city. It was to model trousers and sweaters, trousers, and tops.

Gaby thought one of the tops would look more in fashion if worn up instead of over.

Some fashion.

Mr. Gubbelheimer will hardly think it's quite the thing for a night at the opera. Gaby thought it a giggle. The photographer thought it a goggle and fell over his tripod.

We think it's a little bit saucy.

Pass the iced water, Claude, or pour it over us yourself.

Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973

Sandra Morrell

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Who Needs A Psychiatrist?

Harry thought anybody who couldn't sort out his own problems but had to take them to a psychiatrist needed to have his head examined. His friend Oliver said that was the same thing, to which Harry replied it was all of half-baked propoganda put about by blokes who had to make a living at it.

And then he met SANDRA MORRELL at a garden party, where there were lots of home-made cakes on view and a lot of home-made wine tasting going on. Harry had tested them all by the time he bumped into Sandra, who was there in her official capacity as the garden party beauty queen or something equally exotic and ravishing.

Harry almost fell down. What a doll, he thought. He took her hand and pressed unsolicited kisses on it. Then he looked into her eyes and murmured, "Come and try my cherry tart, I made it myself." "Pardon me, said Sandra," but I never eat cherry tart with men who've had too much elderberry wine."

Harry was distraught. He went to see a psychiatrist next day to try and find out why elderberry wine made him so unattractive to women.

And after six visits, all at ten guineas a time, the psychiatrist told him it was because too much elderberry wine made him lurch sideways.

Spick No 211 - June 1971

Helen Candlish and Jean Dee

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GEE UP!

It was the sort of day to make the girls lively, all the sun and fresh air inspiring blonde HELEN CANDLISH and brunette JEAN DEE to practise the egg-and-spoon race for the forthcoming fete. And other races too.

"Gee up?" cried Helen.

"Look, I never was intended to win the Grand National," said Jean, "so just watch it with your spurs, will you?"

Oh well, over the meadows they galloped, like, and in the fields they skipped, and the young farmers stood around and said they were the best thing that had happened to agriculture since Cleopatra.

We don't feel we can argue.

Spick No 246 - May 1974

Hazel Poole

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Bingo

" I say," said the smitten bystander.

A perfectly exquisite pair of legs had just gone by. They belonged to mini-skirted housewife HAZEL POOLE, and the bystander, who wasn't doing anything except waiting for a bus, felt floored. Gad, bingo! he thought.

Hazel's lovely legs go wherever she goes, which makes her ever so good to look at when she's out shopping, or at home trying on a new pair of stocking-tops.

"Are you engaged, wonderful one?" asked the bystander, forgetting about his bus and catching her up.

Hazel coolly informed him she was married and that her husband packed rather a large wallop, and the bystander, a fine upstanding young bloke, sighed and said, "Well, anytime your lovely legs aren't doing anything special please come and stand them in an empty picture frame of mine."

"Oh, sauce box, are we ?" said Hazel and pulled his hat over his eyes.

Beautiful Britons No 240 - July 1975

Joanna Young

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Also A Lovely Cook

Not only is JOANNA YOUNG an attractive housewife and a mother of four little girls, she's also an enthusiastic water-skier.

And that's not all.

She's also a lovely cook.

How do you do it, Joanna?

"Well, you take a bag of flour, a dozen eggs-" No, don't be comical. How do you find the time and the enthusiasm?

"Well, my husband has this big whip, you see-"

No, be serious.

"It just comes naturally. was born a genius." You were born beautiful, that's what. Good on you, darling.

"Don't be so familiar."

Can't help it. You're lovely.

In fact, Joanna isn't just lovely, she looks like the spirit of animated feminity when she's out on her favorite country ramble.

Span No 198 - February 1971

Annette French

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Waiting For Spring

Spring seemed to be late this year to ANNETTE FRENCH.

She wanted to wear something light and flimsy, something she'd bought from her local boutique in Glasgow, something all primrose yellow.

But it was chilly enough to nip even the most insensitive ear, so Annette wore a warm coat and everything. However, it was supposed to be spring, so she gambolled about. She had to, to keep warm.

She may not have been in something light and flimsy, and primrose yellow, but she still looked ever so dishy.

Wait till the summer comes.

Then she'll put on something divinely brief.

Don't get toothache waiting, fellers. Just compose yourselves and dig up the garden.

Spick No 211 - June 1971

Diane Clarke

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It's No Joke - She Means It

Beauty queen DIANE CLARKE isn't kidding you with her Long Johns. She means it. She likes them. They remind her of the bygone days of the 1920's, her favourite historical era, when the young people first thought up all the mad things to do. Diane is a Middlesex girl and likes to feel warm in winter.

Spick and Span Extra No 35 - Summer 1970

Marita Saunders

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Winter Sport

They love her in St. Moritz or Zermatt or any of those other places where winter sports are generally adored.

Her name is MARITA SAUNDERS.

Marita is a Croydon girl, with a job in London, and if there's one thing, she likes more than any other it's gliding down the side of a mountain on skis. She's a winter sport of delicious grace, curve, and charm.

Next time we know a photographer who's thinking of gliding down the same mountain at the same time as Marita, we'll get him to snap her in flight, and we only hope he won't end up flat on his back or head-over ski pants in the branch of an Alpine tree for taking his eye off the mountain and fixing it on Marita instead.

It could happen. Marita in a ski suit looks a lovely 38-24-37.

Yoo-hoo.

Spick No 210 - May 1971

Andrea Kaye

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Happiness

Not for Dorset girl ANDREA KAYE is the dubious value of wanting fame and fortune.

Happiness to Andrea is in the simple things. Her one ambition is to get married to a really nice guy, to become a wife and mother and to let everyone else worry about finding a goldmine.

Andrea enjoys walking, dancing and good books.

She’s vivacious, healthy and deliciously uninhibited. Anyone who needs a psychiatrist is bonkers, she thinks.

She could be right.

Wanda Liddell

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Listen, Gorgeous

That was all the man from the gas company could say when he called on WANDA LIDDELL in her Camden Town flat. "Listen, gorgeous." Then he'd lose his voice because of breathing heavy, then he'd start again.

Wanda told him to stop larking about and to look at her cooker, and he thought, great hairpins, who wants to look at cookers anymore? He rang up his office, resigned and sent Wanda flowers. But it didn't make up for her cooker still being kaput.

Beautiful Britons No 240 - July 1975