Irene Oberzig

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Tres Tricky

There was once a feller called Buck Upp who tried to drink a quart of beer out of a Christmas balloon but it blew up in his unprepared kisser and squirted light ale all down the neck of his hunting shirt.

There was also the girl in the skirt and Hungarian petticoats who said “I bet I can squeeze through a small hoop feet first in five seconds.” And she did but it took a lot longer than five seconds and she didn’t half look pretty.

People like to try things the tricky way, it’s a bit of a gamble that we all enjoy. For instance, the trickiest place in which to change a pair of nylons is the driving seat of a car. West Berlin fraulein, IRENE OBERZIG, tried it and proved it.

She could have gone into her office and used the powder room and changed in comfort, but no, in the tradition of Buck Upp and the man who tried to lasso an elephant with his braces, Irene used the front seat of her car. Oh well, they will do it.

What made her fall down afterwards?

It was all that cramp.

Jenny Price

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What Lovely Lines

We’re so confused by JENNY PRICE, whose enchantment flows lyrically over us, that we can’t follow the lines of her car. Jenny, who has just about the nicest legs in Wales, can confuse the most clear-minded car fanatic.

Georgia West

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Old Fashioned Look

Remember the days when the picture of a pretty girl alighting from a car caused twinkles to run up and down your vertebra?

Those were the days when stocking- tops would peep.

That's all over now. Pretty suspenders are seen no more. They're all wearing tights.

There should be a protest march. There may be nothing political about the issue, but we can think of other things. Like morale.

GEORGIA WEST takes us right back to those other days, but even so, as soon as she saw we were looking she went and put her tights on.

Spoilsport.

Erica Reeves

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Swiss Miss

Once upon a time there was a lot of yodelling going on around a mountain village in Switzerland, and that wasn't all. Most of the yodellers were trying to impress ERICA REEVES and the rivalry that went on made the mountains echo like one of those films done in sound spectacular, which make you leave halfway through.

Erica left it all behind to live in the quiet of Sussex. She's been here a few years now, works as a secretary in Brighton, and makes an utterly lovely Swiss miss when she's getting in or out of her car.

Sometimes you can hear a yodel or two around the Sussex Downs. Erica has quite a nice voice herself.

Ninon Cerdan

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Madamoiselle , Your Slip Is Showing

It can't always be helped, in this age of short skirts, long legs and low cars, many a girl has been a vivid enchantment to the male eye as she alighted from her auto in the high street.

When NINON CERDAN, Continental fashion model, asked to be put down at Henri Lavant's so that she could keep a hairdressing appointment, it was as much a pleasure as a courtesy for Henri to hasten forward and tactfully advise her that her slip was showing. Tactfully? What a fool.

Ninon had no alternative but to box the ears of the imbecile. Of course, her slip was showing. How could it not under the circumstances? But it was one thing for a lady to enchant the eyes of the passers-by and quite another for a fool of a man to mention the fact.

One looks but one doesn't say anything.

Except perhaps— “Ah, madamoiselle, you are looking lovelier than ever today."

Peggy O'Neill

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What Went Wrong

Nothing, actually. If anything gives you the impression that it did, please forget it. It's nothing that isn't common between any girl and any car. They just don’t understand each other.

PEGGY O’NEILL considers she tries hard enough herself, and is convinced the car doesn’t try at all. Peggy is as Irish as her name, by the way, lives in Chelsea and is mad about odd-looking clothes.

The girl prefers dogs to cars. And she wouldn't be Irish if she didn’t think a horse could reach any place in front of any car.

"Sure, did you ever hear of a car that wasn't going where it shouldn't and getting there before it arrived?"

Shirley Holden

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Shirley Forgot the Sugar

Scots girl SHIRLEY HOLDEN loves cars and also has a weakness for horses, carrying lumps of sugar around for all the noble nags in the neighbourhood. We regret that on this occasion she forgot, which is why we had to concentrate on Shirley and not the gee-gees.

Patsy French

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Absolute Bliss

There comes a time in the life of the happy bachelor when he's willing to relinquish the wheel to a girl.

When Monty took off for a country inn with PATSY FRENCH, he realised he could only enjoy the view of the road. What he had in mind originally was a lunch of bread and cheese and pickles with Patsy, but halfway there he decided bread and cheese and pickles may be the staff of life but they don't represent absolute bliss.

Bliss absolute can be the Beatles or Tom Jones or Elvis Presley, or even a Chopin melody on a grand piano. To Monty it was a view of Patsy in the driving seat. So he stopped the car and gave her the wheel.

What a vision. What a driver.

It mattered not that she drove up hills in top gear, took corners on one wheel and parked the car so that he couldn't get out on his side. Patsy in the driving seat was absolute bliss and so were the pickles.

Vanda Vane-Dotson

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Whose Side Are You On?

If you must know (said tall, willowy VANDA VANE-DOTSON who prefers riding a country horse to taking a town taxi) I’m on the wrong side and trying hard to ge* to the right side before it’s too late.

In some circumstances (said Vanda, who is our idea of a rural-loving debutante) either side can be the right side. It just so happens that the circumstances on this occasion were all bound up with the fact that there was a rather hefty-looking quadruped on my side and he had all the characteristics of a belligerent bull.

Therefore (said Vanda, who drives a whizz of a sports car with verve and application) I knew there was only one side of the fence I wanted to be and that was the other side. I didn’t actually fall flat on my face but I can’t say these tight mini-dresses give a girl maximum composure when she’s in the kind of hurry I was.

Helen Jones

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Music Lover

One of the leading lights of London at the moment is HELEN JONES. She's a genuine swinger. Wherever there's something going on that's at all worthwhile, you can bet your psychedelic pink shirt that Helen will be conspicuously ravishing.

She's a model with a big London agency and appeared in the film 'Love Variations'. That was a genuine swinger too.

Helen is twenty-one, lives in North London and is a music lover. She adores both classical and underground music.

Underground? You mean on a tube train?

"Great tombstones," said Helen "how long have you been dead?"

That, of course, proves that if you don't speak the language of the swingers you might as well spend your time in museums.

Ah well, you can always sort out a nice, sympathetic mummy to talk to.

Jane Paul

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Highland Games

Up in places like Braemer they have all those Highland Games each year, and lovely Scottish girls like JANE PAUL are seen around. They make a svelte contrast with all the muscle men. The latter may be able to toss a mighty caber, but Jane can throw a husky six-footer with a mere twinkle of her kneecaps.

"Lassie, would ye no, mind standing farther back?" panted one brawny caber competitor.

"Must I?" said Jane.

"Aye, ye must, lassie, or I'll lose my dynamics and do masel' an injury."

"Oh, dear, everyone's so tense," said Jane, and went away.

Well, you can't mess about with cabers. You've got to be tense.

Anne Duke

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Going Off Bingo

Percy Blake and his wife Dolores were fanatical about bingo, they never missed a session at the village hall. And, bingo, they regularly came up for a couple of quid here and a couple of quid there.

Then a lovely and absolutely delightful girl came to live nearby, the sort any man just can't ignore. Percy went all agog the first time he saw her, and from then on, he was hardly ever out of a kind of trance-like goggle-ment.

You couldn’t blame him. The girl was ANNE DUKE, a Welsh beauty queen, with vitalistics of 36'-23'-36", and Dolores had never looked anything like that.

So, Percy went off bingo. He sat on his front doorstep waiting for Anne to walk by. Dolores didn’t go off bingo. She still went. And she continued to coin the bingo lolly and Percy continued to goggle. It was always a real pleasure to see Anne walk by. He didn’t ever try to date her. Well, what good is it when she’s twenty and he‘s eighty-four?

Sylvia Ternes

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The Park Looks Nice Today

It didn’t look quite so nice yesterday, but it looks very nice today. Parks are for walking in and for exercising your dog in and for nannies to rescue mites from ponds in.

They’re also for courting and playing ball. They look more colourful in the summer than they do in the winter, of course, and the real reason why this particular park looked so attractive at the back end of a quite a hard winter was because SYLVIA TERNES happened to be around.

It wouldn’t have looked half as nice if it had been a dog sitting there instead of Sylvia, and though dog-lovers may not be in complete agreement with us here, it’s a toss-up as to whether we’re prejudiced or they are.

We are. We confess it. We can’t help it. She's so photogenic.

Amanda Jansen

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Roadside Review

It was a lovely day, and even lovelier when Chumley pulled up beside the ravishing blonde.

"Ah, having a review of the works, what?” he said.

"I've already done that.” said AMANDA JANSEN, "and now I'm looking for the whatsisname to prop the car up."

"Got a flat, eh?" said Chumley.

"I beg your pardon?" said Amanda, who was proud of her 36-23-36 framework.

"Flat tyre." said Chumley.

"I hope you’re not going to get all mechanical.” said Amanda, ”I just thought I’d prop the whole thing up and then see what happens."

"Good idea,” said Chumley.

"Well, aren't you going to help me? Are you going to just sit there and look?” said Amanda.

"Sitting here and just looking,” said Chumley. "is my idea of a really lovely day.”

"You saucy devil," said Amanda and conked him with the whatsisname.

Amanda is a London model and you can see her swinging around the place and bringing stars to the eyes of high-powered diplomats carrying brief cases.