Joanne Stewart

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Oranges & Lemons

What makes a lovely girl more lovely?

What makes her more curvy as well?

Oranges and lemons, says JOANNE STEWART.

Joanne is a housewife who is also a dolly-bird of exceptional impact, this being due as much to her figure of 37-23-37 as her honey-gold hair.

What you do, she says, is this. You take one orange, peel it, dissect it, and eat it with a thin slice of dry toast. That's for breakfast, and you can have a weak cup of China tea as well, but no milk.

For lunch you have another orange, only with nuts. If you want to go mad you can finish off with a small glass of a tomato juice.

For dinner you can have two oranges, and if you must have something hot to go with them try half a haddock. For afters you can have two dates but no custard.

But the lemons, Joanne, you haven't mentioned them. Don't you have a lemon or two in between?

A lemon, says Joanne, is someone who believes all this. Honestly, some housewives with this sense of humour can't half make you feel a fool.

Janet de Bollet

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Fashion War Communique

Communique No. 47A issued from Modern Gear G.H.Q to Hotpants Division read:

"Instruct Elsie Golightly to advance on Leicester and Nottingham, enemy bombardment of maxi skirts and velvet knickers blanketing both towns and smothering inhabitants. Liberate them."

It was signed by General A. Geary.

Reply from the Hotpants Division was as follows.

"Elsie Golightly gone over to the enemy and velvet knickers. Suggest we send JANET DE BOLLET instead. Janet will slay them. Photographs enclosed as proof." To which Modern Gear G.H.Q replied with communique No. 47B.

"Instruct Janet de Bollet to report here immediately. Where have you been hiding her? Champagne will be uncorked at 19.30, candlelight will commence at 19.45." It was signed Bert.

Spick No 211 - June 1971

Trudi Jackson

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Anyone Seen My Tights

Secretary TRUDI JACKSON was at home and looking for her tights.

"Anyone seen them?" she said.

Yes, said the bloke from next door as he looked in at the window, you're wearing them.

"Oh," blushed Trudi, "I forgot."

Her tights certainly looked nice and the bloke from next door thought her knicks did too, and he wouldn't go away until Trudi opened the window and poked him in both eyes with a pot plant.

Spick No 246 - May 1974

Dorothy Bendal and Kay Bendall

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Dot and Dash

Housewife DOROTHY BENDALL is Dot to all her friends. Dot is happy, lively and fun, but all the dash around the house comes from her daughter KAY. She's helter-skelter youth while Dot is jolly Mum.

They're more like sisters, actually. They go to dances together and run for a bus together. They live in Hampshire and make every day full of fun and giggles.

Debbie Winters

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Dizzy Dream

Dreams can be confusing, especially if you've gone to bed on a hot supper of toasted cheese and sauerkraut.

Little men looking like hungry demons from outer space chase you through steamy woods to the edges of fearsome gorges. You do a swallow dive and in slow motion execute a graceful descent to the angry torrential waters below. The waters close over you, embracing you like cold cocoa, and it all gets more and more confusing as you find yourself sitting on a rock sharing a bar of milk chocolate with a freshwater mermaid.

Dreams can also be dizzy. You don't need to have eaten anything, or even have gone to bed. Dizzy dreams can overtake you in the street.

Ones like DEBBIE WINTERS are particularly pulverising. You're transported into a world where you're a Greek hero and she's a fair maiden with classical statistics actually 37"-23" 36" and she's standing by with bated breath as you fight heroic battles with one-eyed Gorgons on her behalf.

When you come to your dizzy dream has gone into the chemist's shop to buy some toothpaste. Debbie likes minty toothpaste. What do you like? Don't answer that.

Spick No 179 - October 1968

Marie Graham and Nicola Taylor

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Having Trouble

We've lately been following MARIE GRAHAM and NICOLA TAYLOR around. So would any man who had an appreciative eye for gorgeous legs and briefest mini-skirts, but that's not to say you wouldn't make it up to your wife by taking her home a dazzling bouquet of roses.

We found Marie and Nicola having trouble with their car.

"Great skyhooks," said Nicola, the one in the rugby league jersey, "talk about modern technology when you have to tow the thing home. I don't know what my husband will say.

Marie said she knew what hers would say. "Where's my tea and muffins ?”

The engine was an absolute mystery to both girls. They looked into it and all over it, and Nicola poked it with a stick and Marie gave it a kick. It never said a word. It didn't even cough. That's what comes of being just a mass of unresponsive metal. Anything else or anyone else would have taken one glad-eyed look at the two mystified but gorgeous dollies and sparked into instant life.

We certainly would.

Well, we would have if it hadn’t been for our aching back.

Anita Van Ecks

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The Girl From Amsterdam

There was once an Englishman who had his luckiest day when he was in Amsterdam. He was on a business trip and it was so concentrated and earnest that he was quite unable to mix any pleasure with it.

Then his eyes alighted on one of the Dutch secretaries floating dynamically around. He knew that if he lived to be a hundred and ninety no other girl could affect his metabolism like this one. She was blonde, beautiful and superb. Her name was ANITA VAN ECKS.

They met. He wooed her and won her. Talk about romantic, it was electric. Now Anita is a housewife in England, living in Acton. Always having wanted to be a photographic model, Anita took the chances offered by London and is now in orbit around the studios of glamour and commercial photographers.

Judie Jayson

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Judie

Established pin-up favourite is JUDIE JAYSON, trained dancer hovering on the fringe of musical comedy shows and just waiting to jump in.

Judie spends a lot of her waiting time modelling for top photographers and getting her pictures in the glossies. You can see just how photogenic Judie is from these pictures. Here’s a girl with that certain something - and that break is bound to come.

Julie Mitchell

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One Girl And Her Dog

You'd better meet the girl first.

She's JULIE MITCHELL from the Midlands, and a very promising student. She wants to be a teacher as long as it doesn't interfere with keeping lots of shaggy dogs.

Julie owns the cutest little pet at the moment. Name of Pinky. That's Pinky overleaf, getting the fond treatment. If you have to be a dog, you couldn't be better off as Julie's pet.

She takes him to the nicest parties. Other girls take boys, Julie takes Pinky. Her boyfriend has to follow on. His philosophy is that it can't last, you can go off the cutest dog when it starts wanting to go to the pictures with you.

Rikki Haynes

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Nice On Ice

There’s Scotch, there's cream soda, ginger pop, tomato juice and anything else in the way of cooling refreshment on a hot summer's day. All nice on ice. And there's RIKKI HAYNES, professional ice skater. 5' 3" of whizzing rhythm.

Rikki at home has a different look, the fact is, its darn difficult getting around the kitchen on skates.

According to her photographer, Rikki's hair is a beautifully fantastic red, and if there's a connection here with the way Rikki burns up the ice, we can't quite see it. Nobody goes three times round the rink on their head except the highly impossible novices.

When she isn’t touring on ice, Rikki lives in West London. If you live around that way yourself and you see a girl with wonderful red hair and a streamlined chassis, it could be our “nice- on-ice” girl.

Julie Mitchell

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Going Glam

Student JULIE MITCHELL is going glam. Well, you can't be serious and academic day after day without wanting to leave it all behind at times.

And at these times Julie puts on her dolly gear and her boots and goes out with a photographer friend. It's a happy occasion all round, with Julie looking long-legged and glam, and her friend looking dizzily into the viewfinder.

Well, Julie in a mini makes a dizzy picture for any feller, and you don't have to look into a viewfinder to convince yourself.

Joyce Matlock

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Music and Housewives

If housewives ever did slop around looking like last night's night out and yesterday's throwaway, they don't look anything but ravishing today.

Like music, housewives have charm.

And they're better than all those free-thinking birds because they can look just as dishy while being a lot more socially responsible. Birds cook baked beans. Housewives cook cordon bleu.

Well, lovely apple pie at least.

Very much a picture of today is housewife JOYCE MATLOCK, who has longer legs than most dollies and a highly desirable aptitude for serving up lovely cooking. Not for all and sundry, however. Just her hubby.

Laura St.John

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Go Chase The Fox

The Madwick Hunt was in full cry after the red fox. The hounds swept by, followed by the riders.

No one took any notice of LAURA ST. JOHN except about ten men, most of whom nearly fell off their horses as they pulled up in stunned delight. But up popped a good-looking sailor who had either lost his ship or didn't know where the sea was.

“I saw her first," he said to the horsemen, "you lot go chase the fox, he went that way."

They all raised their headgear politely and went on their way, and the sailor had a chat with lovely Laura and then showed her over his ship, which he remembered he'd left lying around in Portsmouth Harbour. But Laura couldn't stay for a sailor's supper as she had to get home to hubby.

Laura is twenty three and is curvily tailored at 36-23-36. She fits a polka-dot bikini beautifully.

She doesn't look bad in a mini, either, does she? Her favourite sport is swimming. She lives on the South Coast and during the summer months takes full advantage of the sea.

Tina Reynolds

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Gamesmanship

We're not sure if that's the right word to use where TINA REYNOLDS is concerned.

What about girlsmanship? Or gamesgirlship?

We'll ask the Libbers, they can only chuck a loaded milk churn at us.

But the fact is, Tina's an absolute wizard at badminton and table tennis. You want to see her move. Well, you don't, really. That's the trouble.

When you're watching her moving you forget what else is happening and before you can say, "Never mind about the game, what about you and me going to Frascati's for a candlelit supper?" the shuttlecock has plonked itself in your eye.

That's gamesmanship right enough. Getting you to watch her instead of the shuttlecock so that she can beat the living daylights out of you.

Never mind, it's a blissful way to go.