Secretary TRUDI JACKSON was at home and looking for her tights.
"Anyone seen them?" she said.
Yes, said the bloke from next door as he looked in at the window, you're wearing them.
"Oh," blushed Trudi, "I forgot."
Her tights certainly looked nice and the bloke from next door thought her knicks did too, and he wouldn't go away until Trudi opened the window and poked him in both eyes with a pot plant.
Spick No 246 - May 1974
Anticipating the early arrival of spring, JENNIFER APRIL ANN TAYLOR went looking for a lamb.
The farmer's creaking old shepherd went looking for his rum flask. He was once a sailor, but he still left things lying about.
Jennifer didn't find any lambs; it was a bit too early.
The old shepherd didn't find his rum flask, either, but he found Jennifer. They came face to face in a misty meadow.
"Great cucumbers,'" said the old shepherd, "who needs rum, me beauty?"
“Good grief," said Jennifer, breaking into a fast trot, "who needs help? I do."
But as she leapt the gate the old shepherd lurched into it, and she was saved by the bong. He didn't come to until Jennifer was safely home and eating shepherd's pie.
Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973
West Berlin fashion model GABY BLAESING had an assignment in the country outside the city. It was to model trousers and sweaters, trousers, and tops.
Gaby thought one of the tops would look more in fashion if worn up instead of over.
Some fashion.
Mr. Gubbelheimer will hardly think it's quite the thing for a night at the opera. Gaby thought it a giggle. The photographer thought it a goggle and fell over his tripod.
We think it's a little bit saucy.
Pass the iced water, Claude, or pour it over us yourself.
Beautiful Britons No 207 - February 1973
Harry thought anybody who couldn't sort out his own problems but had to take them to a psychiatrist needed to have his head examined. His friend Oliver said that was the same thing, to which Harry replied it was all of half-baked propoganda put about by blokes who had to make a living at it.
And then he met SANDRA MORRELL at a garden party, where there were lots of home-made cakes on view and a lot of home-made wine tasting going on. Harry had tested them all by the time he bumped into Sandra, who was there in her official capacity as the garden party beauty queen or something equally exotic and ravishing.
Harry almost fell down. What a doll, he thought. He took her hand and pressed unsolicited kisses on it. Then he looked into her eyes and murmured, "Come and try my cherry tart, I made it myself." "Pardon me, said Sandra," but I never eat cherry tart with men who've had too much elderberry wine."
Harry was distraught. He went to see a psychiatrist next day to try and find out why elderberry wine made him so unattractive to women.
And after six visits, all at ten guineas a time, the psychiatrist told him it was because too much elderberry wine made him lurch sideways.
Spick No 211 - June 1971
It was the sort of day to make the girls lively, all the sun and fresh air inspiring blonde HELEN CANDLISH and brunette JEAN DEE to practise the egg-and-spoon race for the forthcoming fete. And other races too.
"Gee up?" cried Helen.
"Look, I never was intended to win the Grand National," said Jean, "so just watch it with your spurs, will you?"
Oh well, over the meadows they galloped, like, and in the fields they skipped, and the young farmers stood around and said they were the best thing that had happened to agriculture since Cleopatra.
We don't feel we can argue.
Spick No 246 - May 1974
" I say," said the smitten bystander.
A perfectly exquisite pair of legs had just gone by. They belonged to mini-skirted housewife HAZEL POOLE, and the bystander, who wasn't doing anything except waiting for a bus, felt floored. Gad, bingo! he thought.
Hazel's lovely legs go wherever she goes, which makes her ever so good to look at when she's out shopping, or at home trying on a new pair of stocking-tops.
"Are you engaged, wonderful one?" asked the bystander, forgetting about his bus and catching her up.
Hazel coolly informed him she was married and that her husband packed rather a large wallop, and the bystander, a fine upstanding young bloke, sighed and said, "Well, anytime your lovely legs aren't doing anything special please come and stand them in an empty picture frame of mine."
"Oh, sauce box, are we ?" said Hazel and pulled his hat over his eyes.
Beautiful Britons No 240 - July 1975
Not only is JOANNA YOUNG an attractive housewife and a mother of four little girls, she's also an enthusiastic water-skier.
And that's not all.
She's also a lovely cook.
How do you do it, Joanna?
"Well, you take a bag of flour, a dozen eggs-" No, don't be comical. How do you find the time and the enthusiasm?
"Well, my husband has this big whip, you see-"
No, be serious.
"It just comes naturally. was born a genius." You were born beautiful, that's what. Good on you, darling.
"Don't be so familiar."
Can't help it. You're lovely.
In fact, Joanna isn't just lovely, she looks like the spirit of animated feminity when she's out on her favorite country ramble.
Span No 198 - February 1971
Spring seemed to be late this year to ANNETTE FRENCH.
She wanted to wear something light and flimsy, something she'd bought from her local boutique in Glasgow, something all primrose yellow.
But it was chilly enough to nip even the most insensitive ear, so Annette wore a warm coat and everything. However, it was supposed to be spring, so she gambolled about. She had to, to keep warm.
She may not have been in something light and flimsy, and primrose yellow, but she still looked ever so dishy.
Wait till the summer comes.
Then she'll put on something divinely brief.
Don't get toothache waiting, fellers. Just compose yourselves and dig up the garden.
Spick No 211 - June 1971
Beauty queen DIANE CLARKE isn't kidding you with her Long Johns. She means it. She likes them. They remind her of the bygone days of the 1920's, her favourite historical era, when the young people first thought up all the mad things to do. Diane is a Middlesex girl and likes to feel warm in winter.
Spick and Span Extra No 35 - Summer 1970
They love her in St. Moritz or Zermatt or any of those other places where winter sports are generally adored.
Her name is MARITA SAUNDERS.
Marita is a Croydon girl, with a job in London, and if there's one thing, she likes more than any other it's gliding down the side of a mountain on skis. She's a winter sport of delicious grace, curve, and charm.
Next time we know a photographer who's thinking of gliding down the same mountain at the same time as Marita, we'll get him to snap her in flight, and we only hope he won't end up flat on his back or head-over ski pants in the branch of an Alpine tree for taking his eye off the mountain and fixing it on Marita instead.
It could happen. Marita in a ski suit looks a lovely 38-24-37.
Yoo-hoo.
Spick No 210 - May 1971
Not for Dorset girl ANDREA KAYE is the dubious value of wanting fame and fortune.
Happiness to Andrea is in the simple things. Her one ambition is to get married to a really nice guy, to become a wife and mother and to let everyone else worry about finding a goldmine.
Andrea enjoys walking, dancing and good books.
She’s vivacious, healthy and deliciously uninhibited. Anyone who needs a psychiatrist is bonkers, she thinks.
She could be right.
That was all the man from the gas company could say when he called on WANDA LIDDELL in her Camden Town flat. "Listen, gorgeous." Then he'd lose his voice because of breathing heavy, then he'd start again.
Wanda told him to stop larking about and to look at her cooker, and he thought, great hairpins, who wants to look at cookers anymore? He rang up his office, resigned and sent Wanda flowers. But it didn't make up for her cooker still being kaput.
Beautiful Britons No 240 - July 1975
A few years ago, we met the most beautiful cashier we'd ever seen. All the other cashiers we'd met before her wore moustaches or blue suits, and looked at us over the tops of their glasses.
Many readers will remember her RUTH CAVENDISH of Glasgow, one of the more memorable of many memorable Scots.
How enchanted those readers will be to see that Ruth is still in great shape. She's a bonnier pin-up than ever. That's what comes of refusing to look like Twiggy. Ruth reckons that once a girl's grown curves, she's meant to keep them. Men get awfully grumpy if she gets as flat as a board.
Ruth has a smile as enchanting as her shape. Statistics plus vivacity make the most photogenic combination you could wish for. Remember, girls, that once you reduce yourselves to the shape of bean poles you go all glum and gloomy.
You don't really want to go around looking like that, do you?
Be like Ruth. Stay in great shape.
Spick and Span Extra No 35 - Summer 1970
Arcadia, of course, is the place where all is joy and bliss, where everyone is beautiful, and the music is acceptable in the ears of all. They don’t have a Jimmy Young programme, mind you, but after you've been there a couple of hours you find you don't miss it a bit.
We thought we’d landed in Arcadia when our balloon came down in an uncharted area west of Poole in Dorset. Ensconced in a woodland glade and bedecked in filmy drapery was (we thought) the Queen of Arcadia herself. However, after she’d put her flute down, we found she was a Bournemouth housewife. Her name was TONI TOWNSEND but as far as we were concerned, she was better in our viewfinder than any Queen of Arcadia and her vitalistics of 37 - 23 - 37 proved it.
When it comes to making the most of the Thames tributary just around the corner from where she lives, HELENA McGUIRE has just the right connection. In the shape of a lovely feller who owns a motor launch.
Mini-clad Helena looks enchanting on anything that floats, whether it's a launch, a punt or a barge. Her idea of bliss is that which comes from boats and waterways, plus a lovely feller who knows what to do if anything goes wrong.
There was one guy who proved a bit of a disaster, though. When the engine conked out one day he shouted, "Women and children first!" And threw her overboard. It wasn't the most exhilarating experience of her life, and Helena crossed him off her list of desirable boat owners.
